You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
