Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
