wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
