Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
