I hate your face
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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