I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
