Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
