I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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