I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
