"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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