genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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