Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
