Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
