Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just found a bag of teeth...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
