i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
