i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
