I CAN MOONWALK!
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Randomize
