i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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