I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize