I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My ass is underappreciated
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
