One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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