Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
