no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
