Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
