the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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