Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
FUCK WHALES
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