If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
