im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
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