my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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