She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
