2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he shaved USA in his pubs
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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