You're my little dorito
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
