My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
