i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
