I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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