im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
