my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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