I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
