We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
