I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
