dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
