Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
