Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I party with great urgency now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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