Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
