I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
