i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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