I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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