i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize