I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
