I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
