i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I deserve this hangover.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
