I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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