You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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