So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
