the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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