i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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