i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They have beer where we have blood.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
