Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
