The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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