hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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