As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
